Are you divorced but living together? Have you joined the growing number of ex married couples who have not moved out of the family home? Often for financial reasons these couples are going against the norm and living together even though they are divorced. A lot could go wrong in a situation like this so here are some guidelines to help you decide whether this could work for you.
1. You both need a clear vision of the future. Are you doing this in order to sell the house settle the debts or raise your children together? Being totally clear about the reasons you are doing this is paramount. Do not even begin till you have laid this foundation. Cooperation between each ex in making this work is vitally important. This means making a supreme effect to always be civil to each other and try to get along especially in front of children. It has been said by many couples that once the pressure of the marriage was gone they got on better. In fact living together as roommates they often enjoyed each others company far more than when they were married.
2. Once you have a clear picture of the direction you are both moving in you will need to set decisive boundaries. This is so important as it will enable you to move around each other with a mutual respect in place. Each ex will need to know what is acceptable to the other and of course what is not. Boundary setting is rudimentary in any relationship and in this new set up an absolute necessity. An example may be of when one of you wants too spend private time with the children or time away from the house with friends. All considerations will need to be evaluated in a fair way. Boundaries set properly will enable each party to conduct themselves in a mature manner around each other and the children. It is like no longer stepping on each others toes which may have been the reason for the break up in the first place. If you have the luxury of a big house with plenty of space then not having to see each other as much would be easier. Boundaries should never be used as a form of manipulation so if this is beginning to show you may want to re think your living plan. Neither ex will want an uncomfortable atmosphere so it would be hoped a real effort was made. It will certainly take both parties on a new journey of discovery.
3. Space setting within the home is a must. The issue of privacy will be raised and areas of the house may be divided into his or hers. This is of course tricky with kids running around but it can be achieved. You may need these privacy areas in case things ever get heated. If you are already in separate bedrooms then some division has already been created. The use of bathrooms and family areas will need to be renegotiated as will family meal times spent with the children. How you divide up the living areas will depend on whether there are children or not as kids will go wherever mum or dad is so you will need to keep a fairly relaxed atmosphere otherwise the whole point to staying together will go up in smoke. Like boundary setting the re inventing of living spaces is important to enable each party to move around the house without fear of provocation.
4. New decisions have to be made about the family purse strings. As many couples live together after divorce in order to pool their resources this subject will be high on the agenda. Running two households with children involved may prove to be too costly for some one-income families so that is why the final split is often delayed. It will be important that you both decide how the money will be allocated and you may want to initiate separate accounts and keep a joint one just for the bills. If one of you is staying home and looking after the kids it may be necessary for the at home mum or dad to have some sort of allowance as looking after the kids is no less important than going out to work. This would give a feeling of fairness and independence.
5. The daily running of the household will take on a new meaning as cleaning meal making and the care of the kids may need to be re invented. Putting a roster in place is a great idea, as once agreed upon each ex will know what is required of them to keep things running smoothly. Who used to put the trash out or take the kids to school may or may not change depending on the circumstances at home. Drawing up a workable schedule is the best way to divide the family duties so even the kids can play their part.
6. Dating new people while living together will present a few challenges. If one of the ex partners still has feelings for the other then this could be very hard. Bringing new people into the family home will need to be a joint decision but to avoid any bad feelings perhaps dating on neutral territory away from the house would be a better solution. This would be a better arrangement for the children as seeing their parents living together and bringing home potentially new mums and dads is bound to be upsetting and confusing. Of course every situation will be different.
7. Children involved in this new family dynamic are going to need a lot of clarity. Honesty is the best policy though some kids may not think that much has changed. Many therapists believe that this will delay the grieving process a child may go through in a normal divorce where one parent leaves. You will need to be aware of how your children are coping in this new environment. Children that have divorced parents in the standard way have been known to develop health and psychological problems due to one parent no longer being there. Some divorced couples genuinely feel they are putting their children first when they agree to raise them together and do not want to miss out on this special time. With so many divorces causing suffering in children can we judge them for caring so much?
You will need to have a good attitude if you are planning this arrangement as any negativity especially toward each other is going to be detrimental to a successful outcome. Set a date in place for your final separation and work towards it. Like any new idea it will have its critics even though revolutionary thinking has brought change that was often much needed.